jokes

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I
have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said:
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
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Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each
was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He
then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil
servant.
He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"
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John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his
wife.
He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"
John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
silence?"